Please don’t say you love me…
You and your words still haunt me every now and then.
Hearing you say the words, “I like you,” numbed me. My heart should have stomped and roared as it should have jumped up and down. My stomach should have rumbled where it felt like a whole zoo was in chaos. My body should have shivered as the sparks should have rushed electrifying my entirety. But, no. All those were ‘should have’s. I stared back at you and I was speechless. Speechless, but not in a good way. My mind almost exploded. You stared at me, waiting for a response. I could have just blurted out, “I like you too!” But, I can’t. So I didn’t.
I liked you, but I didn’t like you. Not like that. I liked how we had so much in common. I liked how we had the same values. I liked how we had like ideals. I liked how we were both readers. I liked how we were both writers. I liked how we were both romantics. I liked how we were both sporty. I liked how you had the same aspirations as I did. I liked how you picked up everything I said, small or big, nonsense or worthy of hearing. I liked how you praised me for all my accomplishments. I liked how you motivated me in everything I did. I liked how you supported me in all the ventures I took. I liked how you tried out new things just because I did them. I liked how you pictured the things we’d do together. I liked how you planned out adventures we’d do. I liked how you took me out for romantic walks. I liked how you woke up early just because you wanted to be the first person I talk to in the morning. I liked how you brought flowers every time we went out. I liked how you wrote small notes where you stated how you felt about me. I liked how you came to my aid whenever I was in trouble, whether it was something serious or simple. I liked how you cheered me up at times I felt down. I liked how you exerted so much effort doing all the little things that you thought would make me smile. I liked how you wanted to be the person to sweep me off my feet. I liked how you yearned to be the that someone I swooned over. I liked how you resembled all the qualities I wanted from a man. I liked how you ticked all the boxes on my list. Having liked all those weren’t enough. Enough to make me fall in love with you.
I liked the idea of you. I liked the idea of being with you. I liked the idea of you and me. I liked the idea of us. But, only the idea.
When you went out of your way just to see me even though you didn’t know how to get where I was, I knew. Seeing you pass through the crowd, I knew you were in love with me. You smiled with your eyes sparkling. I wanted to give you back my biggest smile with as much enthusiasm as you had. But seeing you like that cracked my heart wide open. I just lost my friend, a friend close to my heart. It killed me.
You already fell. It was too late. I wish I knew earlier so I could have stopped you from doing so. But I didn’t. So I did what I had to do. It was the most difficult thing I had to do. It wasn’t easy, but I had to do it. I had to let you know. I just didn’t like you the way you liked me.
But do know that, I never led you on. I never gave you hope that we could be more. You knew, you knew from the start that we’re friends and that’s all that we’d ever be.
We were friends. We clicked. You became instantly one of the closest friends I had. Even closer than our mutual friend who introduced us. It was crazy, but you became close to being one of my best friends ever. You falling in love with me wouldn’t have been an issue if I fell for you too. It wasn’t the case that I was afraid of jeopardizing our friendship, but it was just because I wasn’t in love with you. Though I loved you, like how I loved all of my other friends. You were a friend to me, a friend whom I confided to, laughed with, relied on. We weren’t friends, we were good friends actually.
Now, what are we? Strangers. I tried. Remember? On the first day we had a class together, I sat beside you and eagerly talked to you, but you turned your back and left. I thought we were friends then. I was wrong, we “were” friends. I tried to rekindle our friendship, but you were just hurt too much. And I understand that. Know that… it’s okay. But, still, I want to apologize.
I’m sorry. Not because I didn’t like you back, but because I let you fall in love with me. I wish I could say I’m sorry for not loving you the way you loved me. But, no. I will never be sorry for not liking you the way you wanted me to like you. I met you when your heart was bleeding, beaten. You needed healing, but I just wasn’t capable of doing so. Honestly, it wasn’t you, it was me. I wasn’t meant for you. You deserve someone you would not have to change for, someone you would talk to and will actually listen to your stories, someone who could reciprocate your love, someone who could heal your broken heart. You shouldn’t have said those words…
‘Cause I might not say it back.